An Apology Long Overdue.

As one of my oldest friends, I should have been honest with you all those years ago. Though, to be fair, I wasn't being completely honest with myself. Please allow me to explain.

That first time was explosive. Honestly, I've never felt so much exhilaration at one time.

I am saying that I denied us both a tenderness that should have been yours.

I am saying that denying that tender feeling was like a lie.

I never meant to lie to you.

I panicked and closed it off out of fear and self-consciousness. I locked it up inside and let it diminish the chance of exploration on another, truer level.

I love you. As I have always loved you and will always love you.

You are my friend.

No matter how much time passes and no matter how many miles separate us.

Forever.

------

That was an honest declaration of my feelings.  I found that draft sitting here in Blog-space after years(?) of neglect.

Forever.

Forever is a long time.  Forever is a million times longer than the actual amount of time it took for you to hit me with a sucker punch to my soul.  Fuck you.  I hate that I let you hurt me this way.  That's the worst part, you know?  That I allowed myself to expect more from you than you have ever given.  I don't deserve to be an "afterthought friend."

 Maybe that's not the worst part.  Maybe the worst part is that I wanted you to care when I told you that you hurt me.  I wanted you to care enough to pretend that you didn't mean it. Your silence in the knowledge of my pain was more painful than the first wound.  The first wound mended and healed.  The silence sits gaping.

Forever?  Perhaps.

Because what I said before is still true.  I still love you.  This love I feel is more reserved and suspicious, but it's there waiting. Waiting for you to acknowledge it.

I want you to be happy, but that's as much as I can give to someone who doesn't see me.

Truth

She's so pretty.

No amount of vodka is going to alter that fact.

I want to cry.



Why can't I cry?

Temptation

He's talking.
I'm listening.
All I want to do is lean in...

...smell his hair.
...touch his skin.
...kiss his lips.

I want to watch his eyes flutter closed.
I want to feel the hitch of his breath.
I want to pull him close.

I want him to pull me close...

...to feel his strength.
...to feel his want.
...to feel his love.

He's talking.
I'm listening.
All I want to do is run away.

A Silent Torment

There is barely a twitch to betray her want; her need; her hope.
Holding back that touch is painful.
Denial of his flesh is a constant fight.
She looks away to skin that is safe to caress.
Closes her eyes to his beauty.
Closes her heart to that illusion of a dream.

Will Wonders Never Cease

He looks at her and wonders when she got so beautiful.

He wonders how he could have known her for so long without knowing anything about her. She's listened to his worries and concerns. Stood by him and consoled him when he told her his worst secrets: things he's felt guitly about for years.

He wonders what he's ever done for her? Listened to her calls in the middle of the night when she was too wasted to remember anything she said. And she never really told him anything. Her shame of whatever was bothering her was too much. She couldn't trust him with her secrets even when she was drunk. Probably because he isn't interested in her problems when she's sober. If she tries to talk about any of her fears he gives her standard "you'll be fine" advice until she retracts her thoughts with "you're right. I'm just being stupid."

And today he turned to her as she spoke of her new job, her new hobbies. No man in her life to speak of, but so happy. And he wonders when she got so beautiful. He wonders how he never saw how beautiful she is. He wonders if she knows how beautiful she is. Because no one has ever told her. He knows this. He's never told her. He wonders if he ever will.

Fear

I looked out. The moon was peeking out from behind black and silver clouds. It was peaceful and beautiful...and empty.

I looked down. There was nothing but black churning water. The world of life below those waters was immense and unseen.

A roar from the wind and the sea was all I heard. I placed one foot and then the other on the first rung of the rail; my arms raised above me in silent plea. A strong gust of wind would cause me to over balance and tumble into the icy water below.

A glance from the sky to the sea and I was mezermized. My stomache tightened and my heart raced. It wasn't the possibility of an accident that scared me most. It was my urge to jump.

techno-love

She sees his screen name appear in her Friends List.
Her heart skips a beat.
It leaps in excitement and hope.
It leaps in pain and despair.

She knows he won't IM her.
She knows he doesn't fight the compulsion to just say "Hi."
Not like she does.
Everytime.

She fights the urge.
And mostly she wins.
But sometimes she doesn't.
Sometimes she puts herself through the hell of not getting a reply.

-PW

----

"All the privilege I claim for my own sex...is that of loving longest, when existence or when hope is gone." - Jane Austen

Perfect

You say I’m special
Deserving and perfect
But not for you

You reach inside me
Twist and squeeze me
My hopes, my dreams, my fears
Into a tangled heap

You expose me
And examine me
Steamy hot and bloody
In your hands

You shove the beauty you need to see
And the horror you don’t want to see
Back into the core of me

And smiling at your generosity
Not seeing the pain you cause in me
You walk away

Cry

I will not cry because you are leaving

I will find safety in another's touch
. love in another's eyes
. dreams in another's words
. truth in another's kiss

I will not cry for the joy I have lost

I will not cry.

Summer's End

They are beautiful. A young man and woman. They make their way across the deck to the loungers waiting for them. Each with their starbucks cups, an ipod, and no awareness of the beauty at their side. She hands him the sunblock from her bag, he hands her the book she just dropped. No words exchanged. He applies the lotion to his chest, stomach, arms, and legs...looks over, hands her the bottle and lays face down on his towel. She silently rubs the lotion into his back. No lingering caresses. He sits up takes the bottle back from her as she lies down opposite him. He also, does not linger as he spreads a shield over her back. He places the bottle by the side of her lounger and lies on his back with eyes closed. She sits up and completes her sunblock application. She lies on her back, grabs her book.

No words. Not even a familiar loving glance. As if they are strangers. But they move as one. Is this love? Is this what everyone lives for?

A dip in the pool and back to the chairs. Both of them at the same time. A short nap.

After awhile, they gather up their things and leave. Together, without speaking, without smiling, they leave.

Passion's Kiss

The rain is about to start. I can smell it. The earthy clean scent of silver black clouds and thunder. The cool breeze that's not quite cold and not quite warm. Refreshing. A flash of purple in the night. Streaks of passion stirring my soul. My breath catches with every rumble and flash. I am drawn towards the doors with a racing heart. To embrace the power of the storm is my only wish. The first drops against my upturned eyelids are gentle kisses. kisses which lead to another and another. Always stronger and quicker than the one before. It isn't long before I am drenched in moistness. Embraced by my storm-lover. I shiver from such an all-consuming show of affection and too soon my love pulls away. Leaving the gentle kisses of the beginning on my face and hands. Drifting away. The clouds part. The Man in the Moon can see which bits of moisture are lingering kisses and which are tears of abandonment. He shines a comforting glow to reassure me that I am not alone. I smile at my friend the moon and turn away.